In this post, I express some thoughts on my journey as a Christian. For the past year or so I have struggled off and on with depression. These are some things that God is showing me, things I'm processing through right now. I wanted to share these things because they've encouraged me, and I hope that they point you to God, and how great He is!
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This week, I am basking in the light of God's amazing kindness to me. This week, by God's grace, I am aware of 4 things:
1. I am a sinner who deserves God's wrath~ but instead of His wrath, I get His grace. This happened because Jesus died on the Cross for me. I am a recipient of Christ's mercy. Background: I grew up knowing that I should believe in God~ attended church, said the "right" things, listened to Christian music (sometimes), but lived a life that didn't match up to my beliefs. But around age 18 or so, my life changed dramatically within a period of 3 months. I became extremely depressed and reached a point when I actually denied God's existence. I told my Mom, "I don't think there even is a God". Through many years of transitions, growing, moving, failing, learning, growing -- God was with me. Around 2004, I began a journey with God that was unlike previous years. I let Him have my whole life~ not just parts of it. He opened my eyes. He turned my heart of stone into a heart of flesh. I wanted to follow Him with my whole heart~ and I was learning (am learning) that in this, this is the secret of joy. Following Christ.
2. Depression, though it is a significant trial, does not have the final "say" in my life, because God's grace is sufficient to carry me through anything. The past few months have been very difficult for Bill and I, to say the least. If I had my way, I would not have chosen this path. I would have chosen an easier one. A less rocky one? Maybe a more predictable one. Not one that would go through a valley like this. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." (Psalm 23:4). Note the words, "walk through". David is "walking through" a valley. God doesn't leave Him there. This is something that my friend, Yvonne, has said to me many, many times. There were many times she said this, and I really wrestled to believe it. But I know, deep down, that it's true. God's grace will carry me through the valley. God won't leave me in the valley. Even if darkness surrounds me, and my past haunts me, and my fears assail me ~ I will not be abandoned. Jesus Christ hung on a Cross. God, His Father, abandoned Him. Jesus experienced a depth of loneliness in His darkest hour. Because Jesus experienced this for me, I'll never experience it. I may feel like I'm alone: but it's only a feeling.
3. I am intensely loved, cared for and prayed for by many, many people. This week I could hardly keep up with all the emails and phone calls that I received from concerned family and friends. In addition to my awesome family (biological and by marriage), I am being completely embraced by my family in Christ, from my church. I get tears in my eyes as I type this, at the love that they have shown me. Some of these women hardly know me, and yet they have sacrificed their time so willingly, so freely, to serve me. They have prayed for me, they've made meals for me, they've visited me, they've written Scripture verses out for me. Through these women, I see the hands of Christ extending tender mercies to me. Last night at our Bible study ("Care Group"), Bill and I were prayed for by several friends. They laid hands on us and prayed for us. I imagined Christ Himself laying His hands on my shoulders, praying for me, as these people prayed. I have had numerous conversations with my Mom during this period, and they are so edifying to my soul. My Mom's faith spurs my own faith. The Apostle Paul writes about this in the Bible, as he writes about his disciple, Timothy. Timothy's mom and grandmom had a sincere faith in God, that they passed down to Timothy. Paul encourages Timothy to "...continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus" (2 Timothy 3:14-15).
4. I have a new found respect and love for my husband, my daughter, and my position as a home-manager. I'm not sure how I can adequately express the depth of love that I have for Bill. During this trial, which may not be over, Bill has shown me the love of Christ. The patient, steadfast, enduring, long-suffering, tender love of Christ. Bill has surrounded me with care, has quoted Scripture to me (and asked me to quote it back!), has gone grocery shopping when I could not, dropped me off at the coffee shop so that I could get some extra time reading the Bible, drove me to many distant friend's houses so that I could get "a change of scenery". The list could go on, and on, and I have a pile of dirty dishes waiting for me, so I'll have to end it there! My love and passion for Bill is growing, by God's grace. I love him in a way that I didn't love him a few months ago. I am delighted in my daughter Grace. Sure, she has her little tantrums in the grocery store, and a snotty nose as of late, but I cherish her. I cherish her smile in the morning, as sun fills her room. I cherish the rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps at night. I cherish the way she plays with her tub toys. I cherish the way she says "upstairs" as "up-deps". I cherish her smile and her laughter. I cherish the fact that I get to be her mother; that God has chosen me for this task. It is a high and holy calling~ much more than I realized that night when my pregnancy test read "pregnant" and caught us by complete surprise.
A friend said to me this week, after hearing our story on how Grace came into the world: "That's how 'grace' is supposed to be, isn't it? A complete and utter surprise."
God is giving me grace and strength to see the beauty in my role as a home-manager (that's what John Piper calls it!). I have enjoyed making my house look more like a "home", with simple changes like lighting and re-arranging furniture. Nothing dramatic. I am thankful for my friends who love decorating, who've given me really great advice. I'm not sure how or why, but lighting really does make this huge difference. I started making some new recipes this week and realized that cooking is a lot like jazz music. It's improvisation. I made veggie soup my own way. I added whatever I thought seemed right, nothing fancy. It was fun somehow. I was creative! Grace and I did watercolor painting together for the first time this week. We also made drawings and collages, and read lots of books. I am really looking forward to teaching her more as she grows up. I hope she loves art as much as her mom and dad do!
While I know that all my weeks and days may not be this easy, I'm going to take one day at a time and praise God no matter what. "Blessed be Your Name, when the sun's shining down on me, and the world's all as it should be~ blessed be Your Name. Blessed be Your Name when I'm found in the desert place. Though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your Name. Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, 'Blessed be the Name of the Lord!' " (Tree 63).
*This post is a work in progress and probably needs to be edited. Comments/questions welcome. By the way, this is the 100th post on this blog! Neat-o.
