We’re excited about this, and we know that a lot of our friends are too, so here is an attempt to share where we’re at and answer questions in a thorough way that won’t fit on a facebook status. Knowing how to handle questions is something we have been learning on the fly, and the truth is, there are some questions we can’t answer, some that we won’t answer and some that we would love to answer! We’re so grateful that we have so many supportive friends and family and hopefully this is helpful, so here’s what’s up with our adoption:
- What’s happened so far...
Back in November, we received a call from a friend who had a friend that had a friend who had friend that had an unexpected pregnancy, and was looking for someone to adopt the child (that’s the simple version :). We made a couple of phone calls and it seemed that we would probably be a good match to parent the child. We met with a lawyer and both the birthmother and the birthfather to make sure that this was the best situation for everyone. Because we were matched with a birthmother through a friend and are working with an adoption lawyer rather than with the agency that we started with (Bethany Christian Services), our adoption is considered ‘private’. Private adoptions are cheaper, but they involve a lot more phone calls, meetings and stress that an agency caseworker would normally handle. We are grateful to God for helping us trust him despite the stress, as well as for financial provision because we will be able to cover the remaining costs without needing to take out any kind of loan or apply for any grants (major shout out to Abby B. and the Art For Adoption auction!).
- Open Adoption
Learning about Open Adoption
Our adoption is considered ‘open’ because we know the birthparents and the child will as well. That’s weird to some people, but it shouldn’t be: it’s the way we want it to be. There were two things that helped us to understand open adoption. One was this book and this book that we read as part of our homework with Bethany. The other was learning the personal stories of two birthmothers we know. When you hear the painful and profound story of a birthmother in person, it makes you compassionate towards them rather than afraid of them. This is not to say that closed adoptions (i.e. information about the child's birthparents is unknown or undisclosed to them) are bad, but it is to say that open adoptions are good and shouldn’t be feared. If you’re interested, we put more information about open adoption and why it has become more common at the end of this post. And here’s a good video about it that includes a personal story.
The Birthparents in our Situation
Our experience with getting to know each of the birthparents in our situation has been very positive, and we are looking forward to on-going interactions with them. We’re particularly thankful to have contact with the birthfather, which isn’t common. We definitely felt awkward and anxious right before our meetings with each of them, but the meetings ended up being better than we had hoped. They will each be able to see photos and visit the child a couple of times a year. We are not sharing any information about them - where they’re from, what they’re like or what their circumstances are. When we first heard about the situation, we were fairly open with friends about details but quickly realized our mistake. We’re withholding information partially out of respect to the birthparents themselves, but mostly for the sake of the child. Even the most seemingly innocuous details about a birthparent can feel shameful or precious or at least very important to a child, and this child does not need to hear anything about their background from anyone other than us. As much as we would love to share the full story of this child because of the beauty of it and how it reflects how God has adopted us, and as much as we hate to speak in generalities, information about the birthparents is off-limits, so please don’t ask. Seriously. (Sorry to be blunt about it - we’re open to questions about birthparents and open adoption in general, just not our birthparents in particular).
- What’s Next...
We’re looking forward to welcoming another little one very much and we’ve been prepping for it a lot lately. When the child arrives we will still have work to do - Bethany will be doing post-placement visits to make sure everything is going smoothly, and the court process will take a number of months before we can finalize the adoption. That doesn’t mean that it might not happen - it’s the normal process for every adoption. A common question though is whether the birthmother might change her mind at the last minute. That’s possible, but really doubtful. Because the birthmother has gotten to know us, she knows that we will be able to provide a good home for the child, and as we have gotten to know the birthmother we have gained confidence that she is resolved in this. It goes without saying that this process has not been easy for the birthmother, and it will be a bittersweet moment for us to see the child leave her arms. We’re grateful that we have a trustworthy God who is with us in all we do.
- Other details you might be interested in...
The Baby Won’t Look Like Us :)Surprise, surprise, the child will not look like us. We’re kind of glad for that because Grace is a little too much like us already :) We know that we need to recognize differences for what they are in the society and culture that we live in, while not making such a big deal out of it that the child feels different in a bad way. The truth is that God celebrates unity in diversity and so do we, not just in principle but also in taking seriously the job we have to help the child understand and live in the world around them. Here are a couple of resources that are helpful for how to be a family that doesn’t look like other families and how to deal with ethnicity in the context of adoption:
- What’s happened so far...
Back in November, we received a call from a friend who had a friend that had a friend who had friend that had an unexpected pregnancy, and was looking for someone to adopt the child (that’s the simple version :). We made a couple of phone calls and it seemed that we would probably be a good match to parent the child. We met with a lawyer and both the birthmother and the birthfather to make sure that this was the best situation for everyone. Because we were matched with a birthmother through a friend and are working with an adoption lawyer rather than with the agency that we started with (Bethany Christian Services), our adoption is considered ‘private’. Private adoptions are cheaper, but they involve a lot more phone calls, meetings and stress that an agency caseworker would normally handle. We are grateful to God for helping us trust him despite the stress, as well as for financial provision because we will be able to cover the remaining costs without needing to take out any kind of loan or apply for any grants (major shout out to Abby B. and the Art For Adoption auction!).
- Open Adoption
Learning about Open Adoption
Our adoption is considered ‘open’ because we know the birthparents and the child will as well. That’s weird to some people, but it shouldn’t be: it’s the way we want it to be. There were two things that helped us to understand open adoption. One was this book and this book that we read as part of our homework with Bethany. The other was learning the personal stories of two birthmothers we know. When you hear the painful and profound story of a birthmother in person, it makes you compassionate towards them rather than afraid of them. This is not to say that closed adoptions (i.e. information about the child's birthparents is unknown or undisclosed to them) are bad, but it is to say that open adoptions are good and shouldn’t be feared. If you’re interested, we put more information about open adoption and why it has become more common at the end of this post. And here’s a good video about it that includes a personal story.
The Birthparents in our Situation
Our experience with getting to know each of the birthparents in our situation has been very positive, and we are looking forward to on-going interactions with them. We’re particularly thankful to have contact with the birthfather, which isn’t common. We definitely felt awkward and anxious right before our meetings with each of them, but the meetings ended up being better than we had hoped. They will each be able to see photos and visit the child a couple of times a year. We are not sharing any information about them - where they’re from, what they’re like or what their circumstances are. When we first heard about the situation, we were fairly open with friends about details but quickly realized our mistake. We’re withholding information partially out of respect to the birthparents themselves, but mostly for the sake of the child. Even the most seemingly innocuous details about a birthparent can feel shameful or precious or at least very important to a child, and this child does not need to hear anything about their background from anyone other than us. As much as we would love to share the full story of this child because of the beauty of it and how it reflects how God has adopted us, and as much as we hate to speak in generalities, information about the birthparents is off-limits, so please don’t ask. Seriously. (Sorry to be blunt about it - we’re open to questions about birthparents and open adoption in general, just not our birthparents in particular).
- What’s Next...
We’re looking forward to welcoming another little one very much and we’ve been prepping for it a lot lately. When the child arrives we will still have work to do - Bethany will be doing post-placement visits to make sure everything is going smoothly, and the court process will take a number of months before we can finalize the adoption. That doesn’t mean that it might not happen - it’s the normal process for every adoption. A common question though is whether the birthmother might change her mind at the last minute. That’s possible, but really doubtful. Because the birthmother has gotten to know us, she knows that we will be able to provide a good home for the child, and as we have gotten to know the birthmother we have gained confidence that she is resolved in this. It goes without saying that this process has not been easy for the birthmother, and it will be a bittersweet moment for us to see the child leave her arms. We’re grateful that we have a trustworthy God who is with us in all we do.
- Other details you might be interested in...
The Baby Won’t Look Like Us :)Surprise, surprise, the child will not look like us. We’re kind of glad for that because Grace is a little too much like us already :) We know that we need to recognize differences for what they are in the society and culture that we live in, while not making such a big deal out of it that the child feels different in a bad way. The truth is that God celebrates unity in diversity and so do we, not just in principle but also in taking seriously the job we have to help the child understand and live in the world around them. Here are a couple of resources that are helpful for how to be a family that doesn’t look like other families and how to deal with ethnicity in the context of adoption:
- a video about a transracial adoptee and his mother
- an article about dealing with being a 'conspicuous family'
- an article about dealing with being a 'conspicuous family'
- a book by an author who was one of the first transracial adoptees in America about the experiences of transracial adoptees (Amazon allows a free look at parts of the book)
And -- we would add that if knowing the child’s precise ethnic background is a really big deal to you for some reason and you can’t figure it out on your own, then don’t bother asking. You don’t need to be that curious.
The Size of Our Home
Those of you that have been to our home know that it is ‘small’ according to American standards. But small is a relative word, and we live in a better situation than 99% of the world. It’s humbling to seriously consider the situations that so many others live in, and God has not commanded us to live in a space with a certain number of square feet per child. We’d love to own a home someday, and don’t have anything against big homes, but we’re creative with space, scared by the temptations we have to materialism, and are grateful for what God has provided. So we’re not in a rush to move, or even really talk about "when" we would move -- because we just don't know.
How to Talk About Adoption
Probably the number one issue that adoptive parents describe facing is handling questions and comments about the adoption (yes, it's considered a bigger problem than the actual raising of the child). If you’re still reading :), you might be interested in knowing more about how to talk about adoption in a way that is helpful for the child. Here is a comparative list of helpful and unhelpful adoption terminology.
Background of Open Adoption
For many years, adoption in the US was ‘closed’, because people thought that the birthparents didn’t care about the child and that the child would feel more secure in their new family. Now, many years of open adoptions and lots of research has shown that those ideas aren’t true in the real world. Not that children in closed adoptions had horrible experiences, but that contrary to popular opinion, open adoption is a very good thing for everyone involved. Birthparents do care about the child even if they can’t parent the child, and their presence (albeit limited) in the child’s life does not impinge on the parenthood of the adoptive parents. When done thoughtfully, open adoption is very helpful for parenting because the child has easy access to the truth about the typically painful situation they were born into, and the adoptive parents are reassured of their right to be the child’s parents. Here is a helpful article.
The Size of Our Home
Those of you that have been to our home know that it is ‘small’ according to American standards. But small is a relative word, and we live in a better situation than 99% of the world. It’s humbling to seriously consider the situations that so many others live in, and God has not commanded us to live in a space with a certain number of square feet per child. We’d love to own a home someday, and don’t have anything against big homes, but we’re creative with space, scared by the temptations we have to materialism, and are grateful for what God has provided. So we’re not in a rush to move, or even really talk about "when" we would move -- because we just don't know.
How to Talk About Adoption
Probably the number one issue that adoptive parents describe facing is handling questions and comments about the adoption (yes, it's considered a bigger problem than the actual raising of the child). If you’re still reading :), you might be interested in knowing more about how to talk about adoption in a way that is helpful for the child. Here is a comparative list of helpful and unhelpful adoption terminology.
Background of Open Adoption
For many years, adoption in the US was ‘closed’, because people thought that the birthparents didn’t care about the child and that the child would feel more secure in their new family. Now, many years of open adoptions and lots of research has shown that those ideas aren’t true in the real world. Not that children in closed adoptions had horrible experiences, but that contrary to popular opinion, open adoption is a very good thing for everyone involved. Birthparents do care about the child even if they can’t parent the child, and their presence (albeit limited) in the child’s life does not impinge on the parenthood of the adoptive parents. When done thoughtfully, open adoption is very helpful for parenting because the child has easy access to the truth about the typically painful situation they were born into, and the adoptive parents are reassured of their right to be the child’s parents. Here is a helpful article.
