When I first wrestled with the possibility of not having any more biological children, it surprised me how attached I was to the idea. I’m not particularly proud of my physical attributes, though the more my students at school ask whether dye is the reason for my red facial hair and black head of hair, the more I have an oppositionally defiant enjoyment of that part of how God made me. There is something mysterious and beautiful about the reflection of our own physical characteristics in another being, and I hadn’t considered what a gift it can be. We don’t usually know what we’ve got till its gone, or might be gone, and the gift of a certain number of biological children is one more thing in a growing line of scratches from the life script written in my subconsciousness.
We must not deny or diminish the goodness of the gift of biological children or any of God’s gifts if He gives them to us. But its very easy to overvalue shared DNA and forget that there are better gifts.
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As Christians, we can be tempted to wonder whether God views us as truly belonging to him, to wonder whether we’re really just unimportant and an afterthought to him. We can wonder whether God really views us and treats us as HIS beloved children, or whether our adoption is a plan B for God and not quite what He was hoping for.
Adoption usually functions as a plan B for couples that want their family to grow, which is how it was for Julia and I. Not that having our biological daughter Grace was the way that we envisioned plan A working out, because she was a surprise that came before any real planning had started. Fertility was a surprise, but so was infertility. Fertility can often be a biologically flexible thing, but its absence for a significant time is a bitter thing. It makes sense to us that Eli thought Hannah was drunk.
Julia and I hadn’t envisioned welcoming either of our daughters Grace and Gloria in exactly the way we did. But they were both God’s plan A for us and that plan has been a better gift than if the life script in my subconsciousness had come true. Welcoming Grace through biology and Gloria through adoption has been life-changing, profound and all the other hyperbolic cliches you can think of.
God has used adoption in particular to help us see the goodness of the gifts he gives. At the end of this past school year, some of my students were asking about my daughter Gloria, and of course they were curious about adoption, and I like to talk with them about it. But a problem that came up during one discussion was the question “what does your real daughter think about it?” I know what the student meant by it - he didn’t mean any harm but I had to correct his statement by saying that both of my daughters are really my daughters, because calling a biological child ‘real’ implies that an adopted child is somehow not really a part of our family or is a second-class citizen in our family, and that my fatherhood is fake. My student wasn’t intending to imply all of that - he welcomed the correction - but making the adopted child seem like a lesser child really is the implication when we use a phrase like ‘real child’ to describe a biological child.
I’m fully aware that my fatherhood of Gloria doesn’t involve DNA, and so will she. I’m kind of glad for that sometimes because when my wife points out my biological connection to Grace, it usually involves the shape of our noses. When I say that I truly love Gloria and that my fatherhood of her isn’t fake, I’m not denying that she has birthparents (who I know, love and respect). I’m not whimsically denying our lack of shared DNA, I’m saying that fatherhood is so much more than that. I’m saying that the love of a father for his child can be as fulfilling, joyful and real in adoption as it is when their relationship is through biology.
Its hard to imagine something better than the moments when I hold Gloria and make her smile and laugh. Or the times I comfort her when she needs help. Soon I’ll be guiding and teaching her in how to live and follow God. All of those things are the same things I’ve done and continue to do with my first daughter Grace. Time together and parental sacrifice is what builds a family relationship, biology or not. And if I can love both of my daughters like I do, how much more loving would a parent be if they were perfect instead of sinful?
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In the Bible, the word adoption appears only 5 times, which probably explains its absence in a lot of Christian writing and preaching throughout history. But it shouldn’t be that way, and not just because adoption involves more common words in the bible like ‘father’ and ‘orphan’. Each time the word adoption is used, it has enormous meaning for how we understand any point in time of God relating to us.
God planned to adopt us before we existed (Eph. 1). The nation of Israel was adopted after God redeemed them from bondage (Rom. 9). God redeems us by faith for the purpose of adopting us (Gal. 4) and helps us live in our redemption by giving the Spirit of Adoption so that we can approach him for anything as a child approaches their father (Rom. 8 - “Abba/Father” was originally written by Paul in Aramaic and Greek, meaning God’s fatherhood is for both Jews and Gentiles - all of us). In the future, after death, our adoption will be revealed by the redemption of our bodies (Rom. 8).
Our adoption by God because of Jesus’ sacrifice means freedom rather than bondage, redemption from all evil - it means we know his limitless power, wisdom and love are for our constant good, today and forever. We don't have to wonder if God loves us; we're not 'less than' or unimportant to him. The blessings of his perfect fatherhood are beautiful and good gifts.
Our adoption by God means there was never, is never and will never be a time where God wasn’t planning to be, isn’t being or won’t be our loving, joyful and real Father. Rebellion and bondage before faith was worse than we realized, but God was planning to be our perfect Father. Struggling to live for him now is hard, but we have help from our perfect Father. Not knowing all of the future can be frightening, but we will be with our perfect Father. Our Father is the best gift.
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Bill
