Although most of what we share here about adoption will be positive, we felt it might be good to share some of what we’ve learned about handling the difficult side of adoption. Adoption is certainly a beautiful, joyful experience, but it is also something that involves real grief. The experience of joy depends on how the grief is handled, and the handling of grief depends particularly on the compassion and empathy of the adoptive parents towards the birthparents and the adoptee.
There was a perception for many years that birthparents did not care for their birthchild, and that if they did, it was better for them not to express that feeling or treat it as legitimate. There was also a perception that the only feelings an adopted child should feel were positive ones. These perceptions should not exist. But they do, and when Julia and I began our adoption journey, we had them.
There are two books that had chapter headings alone that altered our perspective and caused us to consider the grief that is involved in adoption.
Dear Birthmother is a book we highly recommend. It is organized around debunking four myths about adoption with these four statements:
- Dear Birthmother, We Know You Care
- Lifting the Veil of Secrecy [is okay]
- Birthparents Remember Forever
- A Search For Roots, Not Different Parents [this is referring to the fact that when an adoptee searches for his/her birthparents, it is not because of a failure of the adoptive parents]
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew is a book we haven’t read yet, but the chapter headings are helpful because they put you in the place of the adopted child. I debated whether to post this list, because not all of these things are felt by all adoptees, but many adoptees do, and experience healing through the help of adoptive parents that understand their diverse feelings about their adoption. It’s not as if we will be parenting in fear of the grief our child may feel, but we want to be prepared and put ourselves in her shoes. Here is an abridged list of some that stood out to us:
(credit for this list goes to the book’s author, Sherrie Eldridge)
3. If I don’t grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered.
6. Just because I don’t talk about my adoption does not mean that I don’t think about it.
7. I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family.
8. I need to know the truth about my conception, birth and family history, no matter how painful the details may be.
9. I am afraid that I was ‘given away’ by my birthmother because I was a bad baby. I need your help in dumping my toxic shame.
13. Please don’t say that I look or act just like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences.
15. Please respect my privacy about my adoption. Don’t tell people without my consent [This is a big one for us right now]
16. Birthdays may be difficult for me.
17. Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times.20. Even if I decide to search for my birthfamily, I will always want you to be my parents
As adoptive parents, we know we have challenges in front of us, but we’re anticipating so much joy as well. We’re thankful for the God of all comfort, who meets us in any and every affliction, sympathizes with us in our weaknesses, and turns mourning into joy.
- Bill
