Right now I'm dealing with some major life issues. Big ones. Hard things that I didn't anticipate. I get upset about one thing, and then I get upset about a million other things. My life feels like one big spider web, interconnected, and when one part's not working, I wrestle and question all the other parts, and I get mad. And I'm very stubborn, and impatient. Instead of walking through suffering, I'd rather sidestep it, post on my blog "the 5 ways God got me through" and move on with my life.Is that how life really works?
I am reminded of John 6:68-69, verses I go to often. Some of Jesus' followers leave him after He talks to them about how He is the bread of life. He says to Peter, "Do you want to go away, too? "Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:68-69 ESV)
When I struggle, I'd rather fix myself and then move on with my to-do list. This is a real-live-Julia-struggling journal entry. I'm blogging through my struggles to show that I am not the "always happy, always encouraging" person that I may appear to be. The verses in John remind me that there is simply no other place to go (at any time) than to Christ Himself. And when I am upset, it's the very last place I want to go. Because I'm self-sufficient and stubborn!
So here I am wrestling, and here are some verses that I read this morning. And I'm praying that the Lord makes them real to me, so they cease being words on a page and start being the Words of Life that get me through my day and point me to my God.
Psalm 54:4 -- God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.
Psalm 55:16-18 -- But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and I moan, and He hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage, for many are arrayed against me.
Psalm 56:8 -- You have kept count of my wanderings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me.
[This is so hard to see right now, but I know it's true. Even if I'm in the thick of really hard sad angry impossible feelings, God Himself is keeping track of all this and isn't surprised by it. He sees my hormonal freak out times, He sees my normal days, He sees what's going on around me and He's keeping track of it and He loves me. And He is for me.]
In God, whose word I praise, In the LORD, whose word I praise, in God I trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?
I've read a million times that God is immutable, unchangeable, and just plain different from me. It's so hard to fathom. But it's also comforting. I'm glad God isn't subject to His feelings about things on any given day the way I am. Hormones, the weather, and people around Him just don't faze him. Ever.
Sigh.
He really is good. And different. And He must be up to something really, really good in me. That I just can't see yet.
